Ah, a new season dawns on us and as the air begins to chill,
the leaves begin to turn….
Fuck it. I can’t be
so wordy if I’m going to actually keep this thing going past week 10 this
year. Football is back dickstains!
First, for our new-comer, let me explain what this is. In order to keep the general shit-talking going throughout the season, and as a way for me to keep writing post-college, I've tried to keep a weekly fantasy football newsletter / blog going. Usually life / work gets in the way by week 8 or so, and I abandon the effort but while it lasts I'd like to think people enjoy it.
The name comes from an incident in college involving two of our friends that I'm generally not allowed to discuss. What I can tell you is that it involves the time that [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] took [REDACTED] back to [REDACTED]'s room and proceeded to have a [REDACTED]. It's my understanding that at some point [REDACTED] was [REDACTED] her [REDACTED] she was [REDACTED] [REDACTED]'s [REDACTED]. I have a theory, that at some point their respective [REDACTED]s must have touched. They both say no, although [REDACTED] loves talking about it while [REDACTED] now claims it never happened.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway. I don't know about you guys but after week 1 my football boner is best described thusly:
It's a whole new look to the league this year. With the addition
of the esteemed Dr. TimmyJeff, commissioner Andrew was forced to cut his
wretched two-headed owner abomination, Jared/Ryan, into two fully functional
fantasy football teams.
I picture
Andrew in a laboratory post-operation as the now half-functioning Ryan begs him
to put him out of his misery Alien 4 style.
We’ll see how long this mad experiment lasts but the over /
under on Ryan fielding a starting line-up without a quarterback, kicker, or
defense is at week four. We also have divisions this year which is an exciting
development. I like that we have the
Massholes vs. America format because I imagine the battle-lines for the next US
Civil war will be drawn more or less on the same borders.
So the draft was exciting.
Kind of. Honestly I miss the live
version. I love that Wyley has been
insisting on drafting using Yahoo for like 5 years and when we finally do he’s
the only dipshit who forgets to test his settings to make sure it will
work.
The sad irony is that I have it on good authority that the
firewall was only installed because of Wyley’s penchant for obscure
turn-of-the-century fetish pornography.
Matachuk the sad Eskimo has returned to the D’s that T for the third
year and he remains saddened by your depravity.
Other highlights of the draft included Paul making a big
show of asking Laura to get him a beer, but there is no way a Welsley grad
would ever do this for her fiancé so she almost certainly told him to go fuck
himself and he ended up getting it himself.
This is why we should be drafting live.
Finally, anyone who stuck around
until the end of the draft was treated to this:
I can’t provide context for this video, other than it is
awesome and if I was an NFL receiver this would be my endzone celebration EVERY
TIME.
Ok- that's all I have time for this week. Enjoy the games, and as always go fuck yourselves.
