The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 11

Why hello there, and welcome, to a special thanksgiving edition of the D’s that T.  Happy Thanksgiving to you, and you andyouandyouandyou.  I hope this day finds everyone well amongst kith and kin.  Some of you may give thanks for making the playoffs this year, while others may only give thanks that you have not yet been eliminated from contention.  The Pilgrims, as we all know, set out from merry old England to throw off the shackles of religious persecution, and to one day create the building blocks for a new nation whose citizens would live free enough for ten jackass college friends to assemble fictional sporting teams from the players of actual sporting teams, pit these “teams” against each other on a weekly basis, and trade insults and dick jokes over an internet message board.  Yes my friends, this is what thanksgiving is all about, and I, for one, give thanks for fantasy footballs’s very existence.  

 

Also for booze, I give thanks for sweet lady alcohol, because goddamn it if I don’t love me some sauce around the holidays. 

The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 10

Look everyone needs a bye week, even your intrepid author who just didn’t feel like spending a beautiful Sunday morning last week writing a fantasy football column.  Sorry.  Now my question for you is what did you do with the time you would have otherwise spent pouring over every word of mine?  You cranked one out didn’t you.  The internet is a sketchy place my friends, sure, you start off innocently enough.  Maybe some girl on girl, a little point of view, but its easy to stray down the darker paths isn’t it?  How far did you go?  Gerbling?  Equine?  Snuff Films?  You sick fucks. Makittuq the Eskimo has returned to tell you that your depravity continues to sadden him.

Monday Night Poonball! - Season 2 - Week 9

Crying Don Draper is sad.  Is it because he realized that he's a fictional character, and therefore can never actually have The Dorothy on his desk?  Or does he weep for the loss of one of this century's last true cocksmen?  I speak of course of recently engaged Horny Immigrants owner Clancy.  Perhaps it is both.  Either way, there is no reason for you to weep, for you are as real as the day is long and The Dorothy is still within all of your grasps.

 
So Poonball or Poonball?



Three games up for grabs!

The Chumguzzlers v. The Corporation:
It looked well in hand for the CG's early but Dez Bryant's garbage time stat boost last night allowed Paul and The Craporation to pull within four points.  Paul has Terrell Owens tonight, who needs to not only make up the four point balance but also needs to outstrip Rashard Mendenhall who is the last man standing for the Chum Guzzlers.  Based on projected points I should be in the clear but the way the CG's have been sliding lately I'll call it a toss up.

Chance of Poonball: 49.89%


The Horny Immigrants v. The Multiple Scoregasms:
Yup- this is over unless Mike Wallace somehow sets the record for all time career fumbles by a receiver in the span of a single game.  Solid effort Wyley.  Maybe have setting your lineup be the one thing your wife doesn't decide for you?
  
Chance of Poonball: 0.0000000000007%

The Kicking Bens  v Tang Gin and Juicers:
Labrie put up a 108 points despite getting negative numbers from Jonathan Stewart, largely due to a 28 point day from the Packers D who had the good fortune of playing the joke of a team that is the Dallas Cowboys.  Andrew however is not out of it, as he has the Pittsburgh D tonight against the struggling Bengals and needs only 15 points.  Pittsburgh has come up at that big in the past but they're struggling with some injuries and for some reason James Harrison can't seem to play without spearing 8 or 9 guys before kickoff.

Chance of Poonball: 47.68%  

Schaub on my Knaub v.  NY Bailout:
All over.  Looks like Biz / Ryan's interest in their team lasted about as long as we all expected.  Look for them to rename the team Automatic Bye. 

Chance of Poonball 0.00%

Focus on the Abs v. Cooters Grundel:  
Jay is up three points and has Pittsburgh Kicker Jeff Reed still in the mix tonight.  Kurt meanwhile has the shell of the quarterback who used to be Carson Palmer and Hines Ward attempting the poonball try.  If it were any other team I'd say Jay has a punchers chance of staving off Kurt but hey- its just been one of those years for Focus on the Abs.  

Chance of Poonball 89.13%

The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 8

And back to normal.  I’m sure all of you missed the regular D’s that T but I hope that scantily costumed cheerleaders were to most of your liking.  Some of you of course probably did not enjoy them on account of your either rampant or closeted homosexuality.   But I am not here to judge- the D’s that T is a newsletter for all.  So please, crack open an ice cold Schmitt’s Gay and enjoy this week’s edition.

I.  Football Thoughts           

Christ on a bike this whole Randy Moss thing is getting comical.  If he had somehow passed through waivers and signed with Pats for a reasonable deal that would have been the biggest fleecing of one team by another since…. Well since Childs/Biz traded Moss for Ray Rice.  Not only would the Pats have effectively rented Moss to the Vikings for a 3^rd round pick, but they would have gotten them to pay the remainder of his original contract.  I actually think he’ll work out well in Tennessee- and we’ll see if Brady really was under-throwing him all this time since VY can throw the bomb.  I thought KC would have been the best fit from a pure football standpoint but either way I’m excited to watch his first game as a Titan.

II.  Random Thoughts

Remember those soap commercials from the 80’s and 90’s where some groggy dude would get out of bed, then just by taking a long whiff from a fresh bar of Irish Spring or what have you, he’d suddenly open his eyes with renewed vigor!  Fuck yeah!  This goddamn soap smells so refreshing that it is literally waking me up! 

 

My question is, why didn’t the FDA get involved?  Soap doesn’t wake you up.  The hot water hitting you wakes you up.  Caffeine wakes you up.  Doing blow of a hooker’s taint Exercising wakes you up.  Soap does not- but imagine if it did- how sweet would that be.  Pull an all-nighter, up late with a crying baby, tossing and turning through the night but all you need to do is hop in the shower and inhale deeply over a bar of CRANK SOAP!   Ok… fuck.  It exists already.  I swear when I wrote this the idea was original but I went online to look for images of someone waking up from a bar soap I found this:

 

Well- I’m sure it doesn’t work.  But lets invent one that does.  Oh and fun fact- Kurt doesn't shower in the morning, he showers at night.... after girls pee on him.

III.  Recap

The Chumguzzlers were positively handled for a second week in a row, this time by league powerhouse Cooter’s Grundel.  The Corporation managed to upstage current points leader The Kicking Bens to keep themselves from falling to 1-7.  Speaking of 1-7, Focus on the Abs lost another tight one to the Multiple Scoregasms and will need some type of miracle to climb out of the basement at this point.  Schaub on My Knaub beat up on the Horny Immigrants while the tepid water Gin and Juicers took down the NY Bailout who scored a paltry 50 points on their way to securing their spot at the bottom of the total points board. 

IV.  Preview

No stats this week from Jay- possibly because the numbers no longer support the fact that his team doesn’t suck.

V.  This Week in Horatio Cain

Horatio is taking another week off- for some reason I can't do the word bubbles on my mac so I'll make sure I do it at work next week.  As a consolation prize, enjoy this picture of new Schaub on My Knaub member Lagarrete Blount punching out some mouthy player on Boise State last year.

VI.  Readership Test

Did you know that Sean was not born to his mother the way most babies are?  He was actually hatched from a rare dinosaur egg.  True story- or at least it will remain so unless he refutes this fact via email by next Friday.

  

VII.  Conn Memory           

Sorry to disappoint some of you but there won’t be any pictures of male dancers since we actually have a story for this week.  The recent controversy surrounding Kevin Garnette’s “Cancer Patient” comment to Charlie Villanueva reminded Paul of another basketball story from our Sophomore year.  Let me set the scene as best I can remember.  There was heavy drinking early in the evening- possibly even at Harris followed by a road trip up to hated Trinity for an away basketball game (NESCAC Tourney maybe?).  As a revenge for some Trinity fans shannigans early in the year there was a plan to release mice into their library- shockingly a handful of drunk college dudes rolling into a pet store the minute before they close and asking for 100 mice seemed slightly suspicious to the employee working that night.  Suffice to say no mice were to be had and now we’re bombing up route 11 en route to the game.  I remember being in Trevors car with Timmy and a couple of others, passing out busch lights from the trunk as Trev smoke’s a bowl while driving.  Prompting someone to say, “Hey, this is like an afterschool special!”

 

So the cars all surprisingly arrive safely and now we’re in the stands for the game.  Conn is doing well- and Trinity, if anyone remembers, featured a player with a red swath of skin discoloration running down his face and onto his arms.  We’re all pretty sauced at this point, and Conn seems to be pulling ahead (no doubt thanks to our rowdy arrival).  We’re shouting abuse at the opposing players but so far nothing too outlandish has been said.  Kurt was about to change that.   The kid with the skin disorder pulls down a rebound or something, and during the transition Kurt gets up and yells, “HEY!  NICE SUNBURN!”  Silence.  A line was crossed.  But Conn powered on despite the hush that had fallen over the crowd but soon felt their lead slipping away.  During one of the time-outs some gymnast on trinity did a bunch of front handsprings to get their crowd psyched up.  Kurt followed suit by doing three somersaults in front of our crowd then followed with a dismissive waking hand motion which promptly got him booted from the game.  Our leader, our fire, had been tossed out and with Kurt so went the heart and soul of the Camel fanbase.  Conn’s lead vanished and they were blown out in the last two minutes of the game.  A team that had been to the final four of the NCAA DIII tournament not two years prior was now bounced in the first round of their conference tourney and IT WAS ALL KURT’S FAULT. 

See you Friday... go fuck yourselves.

Monday Night Poonball! - Season 2 - Week 8

Oh Brett Favre, you can only dream about obtaining the Dorothy as you nurse your lacerated chin.  But for you my intrepid league-mates the dream could come true:

 

So lets have it shall we?



Three games technically up for grab but only 1 isn't basically a forgone conclusion.

The Chumguzzlers v. Cooters Grundel:
I won't say its over but lets just say that Andre Johnson scoring 4 TD's would go a long way to avoiding a second straight loss for the Chumguzzlers. 

Chance of Poonball: 1.87%

Focus on the Abs v. Multiple Scoregasms:
Interesting situation here.  Jay is down by less then a half a point but he still has Wayne and Garcon going tonight.  On the other side Wyley has Peyton Manning, who will inevitably benefit from points going to Jay's receivers.  That said, yards for receivers generate more points then for QB's, and WR's get points for receptions while QB's do not.  Honestly, I'm not sure if we've ever seen it happen before but theoretically Jay could win this.
 
Chance of Poonball: 23.67%

The Kicking Bens v. The Corporation:
The Corporation showed additional signs of life and pulled off a Sunday night pooning after being the recipient of one last week.

Chance of Poonball: 0.00%

Gin and Juicers v.  NY Bailout:
The <i>oranguton urine</i> gin and juicers need only 0.5 points from Arian Foster to top NY Bailout and end their brief resurgence. 

Chance of Poonball 97.38%






Schaub on my Knob v. The Horny Immigrants:
Clancy's done for the week and trails by 10, meanwhile Brett has his QB and 3rd receiver so he'll get to pile on tonight... like Clancy will pile on the shredded cheese on top of his bowl of taco-bell meat. 

Chance of Poonball 0.00%

So um yeah, Go fuckyourselves.

The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 7

So I was basically stuck in a conference room with no internet all week working directly with on my firm's partners more or less over my shoulder.  Good for career, bad for writing fantasy football newsletters.   So, in the spirit of Halloween I'll provide you with a trick, in that there will be no newsletter this week, and treat, in that I've replaced each section with pictures of NFL cheerleaders dressed up for Halloween.  There's also a post from Paul about recent trade activity further down. 

I. Football Thoughts

Sure- there were football games.  There were also Sexy cab-drivers and sexy native american indians.

II. Random Thoughts

My random thought?  Hot chicks.

III. Recap

I'm sure stuff happened in our league, but you know what else happened?  Cheerleaders dressed up like devils and bar maids

 

IV .Preview

Preview this

 

V. This Week in Horatio Cain

Horatio couldn't make it this week, he sent these ladies instead

VI. Readership Test

The only test you'll be receiving is about bumble bees and harry potter

VII. Disgraceful Trade Offer of the Week

Paul sent this in and I graciously decided to post it unedited- even though he's bitching about the trade deal I offered him.  To be honest, I kind of like the idea of doing a section on this.  If anyone offers you a ridiculously one-sided deal during the week email it to me and I will post the details for public shaming.  

Paul writes:

This is a segment I’d like to add to the blog called “Disgraceful Trade Offer of the Week”. To start things off I’ll be discussing the recent trade offer made to me by Charlie of Ronnie “this is a contract year?” Brown and Mike “The Other” Williams for long-time Hopper-man crush Wes Welker. Now, maybe Charlie assumed that because The Corporation is nearly lifeless at 1-6 he could make such an absurd offer.  I say “nearly lifeless” because as long as Jay and the Ryan/J-Biz mash-up are present in the league there’s always a chance at the 8th playoff spot. Jay has officially taken over from Labrie as worst manager in the league, and Ry/Biz are making roster decisions like John Kerry makes policy decisions, but I digress….

Anyway, back to the trade. So Charlie offers me Brown and Williams for Welker.  First of all, this is ridiculous because I have to drop a player to make this work while Charlie is able to clear a roster spot. Second of all, neither Brown nor Williams are better than anything I have on my bench. This means that I’m trading Welker for either Brown or Williams, which is just absurd. I thought I made a more than fair counter-offer of Welker for Andre Johnson. They have a 1 point difference in current points and a 2.5 point difference in projected points, so they are essentially equal. I guess trades can’t get done in this league unless one team is getting raped like one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls.

In my defense I was lobbing a starting offer out there to see if we could work something out- and I think that potential should play into things.  For instance, I think Ronnie Brown will be a solid fantasy option come playoff time but he hasn't performed well at all this year.  Similarly, I think Andre Johnson will finish well ahead of Welker by year-end despite their similar numbers to date; which is why I rejected Paul's counter-offer. 

VIII. Conn Memory

Oh this is still happening, I don't care what I said above about cheerleaders.  You were all warned.

ok fine, because its Halloween and you've been kind enough to read my ramblings I'll give you one more

The D's that T will return in its original format next friday.  Until then, happy Halloween and go fuck yourselves.

Monday Night Poonball! - Season 2 - Week 7

Do you have your team's shit together? Perhaps your recent trades, or lack there of, will help you win the coveted Dorothy. If you don't, this guy is going to win it:



And he'll fill it with the teeth from all the hookers he punches. Don't let that happen.
So some Poonball?


Again we have 4/5 games still in flux, although 2 or arguably 3 are basically over. But hey, that’s why they play the games. I don’t think anyone foresaw the Raiders hanging 59 points on Denver or the Browns taking down the Saints.

The Chumguzzlers v. The Kicking Bens:
Ouch. I spoke arrogantly of blasphemous things last week when I declared my team was going on coast-mode because I had a playoff birth shored up. The mighty gods of football punished me for my hubris by striking down my QB’s top 2 receivers and hobbling his tight end. My 35 points will be an all time low if Hakeen Nicks doesn’t show up tonight and at least make it respectable. Technically I’m not out of it but I would be counting on Nicks for 250 yards, 6 TD’s and about 20 catches. Labrie also has Witten going so yeah… I’m fucked. The worst part is that if Nicks has even decent game I could end up losing my other league. If anyone needs me I'll be drinking Cuttysark out of my shoe.

Chance of Poonball: 0.000397%

Cooters Grundel v. Multiple Scoregasms:
Kurt needs only ten points from Tony Homo and Ahmad Bradshaw to take down Wyley. In Wyley's favor the Giants Pass D is solid, and Bradshaw’s TD’s seem to be headed to Brandon Jacobs of late. Not in Wyley's favore is his personality and 10 points isn’t much to ask for from a Qb and a RB. The likelihood of Kurt pulling off a pooning in consecutive weeks seems good.

Chance of Poonball: 83.69%

Focus on the Abs v. Schaub on my Knob:
Jay needs 28 points from Brandon Jacobs and the Giants D which isn’t completely out of the question. As I noted above, the giants D is one of the best in the league of late and Jacobs seems to have regained his role in the Giants attack as the goal-line option. Still, 28 pts is a tall order for a 2nd RB and a defense facing Miles Austin, Jay Witten and Dez Bryant. If Jay pulls this off its the type of victory that a team can rally behind and make a push for the playoffs. If he loses, its the type of loss that has players selling their equipment in chinatown.

Chance of Poonball: 10.871%

Gin and Juicers v. Horny Immigrants:
The axe body spray gin and juicers find themselves down 21 and will need Miles Austin to have his best game of the season against a pretty strong defense, while at the same time hoping Clancy’s cowboys D gives up enough points to go negative or at the very least score under 5 points. Not bloody likely.

Chance of Poonball 17.38%s

NY Bailout v. The Corporation:
The surging NY Bailout took care of their pooning on Sunday night with a come from behind win against Paul’s craporation who now head back to the basement to battle Jay for the worst team in the league award for another week. This one is over.

Chance of Poonball 0.00%

See you Friday! Go Fuck Yourselves!

The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 6

Well week 6 is in the books and we are officially balls deep into the 2010 season. Plenty to talk about this week with multiple instances of poonball this past…

..hang on. I’m getting a late-breaking report from the D’s that T international news desk in Luxemburg. Mother of god. Ladies and Gentleman we have A FUCKING TRADE!! News reports indicate NY Bailout receiver Randy Moss has been traded to the Multiple Scoregasms for running back Ray Rice. Both players have underperformed their draft position to date but our sources inside each organization have told us there was more than just football that played into the decisions.

When reached from comment Moss stated, “Look man, I’m playing for two owners, do you know what its like to have two bosses? We got this one dude, Ryan, he’s always making us leave practice and put on these fucking costumes and we’re all like pretending to be orcs and goblins and some shit while he chases us with his fucking ninja sword. That shit is degrading yo. The other owner, Jared, has one of the complexes, what do you call them? Napoleanic complex or whatever. Always challenging us to fight him in an octagon just because we’re all taller then him. Shit, there’s not enough time in the day, I mean my fucking dick is bigger than this dude. Anyway, pretend football is a business and I’m just happy to move on and get away from these two motherfuckers.”

Rice similarly stated unhappiness with his current ownership, “That asshole Wyley is just neglectful. We get treated worse then Mike Vick’s dogs in this joint. He didn’t start our defense a couple weeks ago because his old lady was yelling at him and making him spend time with her lame friends. Motherfucker needs to grow a pair and remember he’s a man. Oh and the jokes. He has like stacks of joke books but they is all corny and shit. Every team meeting is like open mike night at the laugh factory and we gots to sit here and listen to his unfunny bullshit. But yo, pretend football is like a business or whatever so I’m thankful that I get to move on. Wait, where did I get traded to? The NY Bailout? Aww, fuck that shit man. I might just retire.”

Clearly this trade will shape the landscape of the bottom of the league for weeks to come. All owners were asked to weigh-in on the trade. The following comments were obtained by this news agency:

• *League commissioner and owner of the Gin and Juicers, Andrew, backed the trade saying, “I’m just happy to see active management by both teams. Obviously the trade will have no real bearing on the league since both squads are just god awful.”
• Reigning champion and owner of the Cooter’s Grundel, Kurt noted “There’s a team in the league called the NY Bailout? Never heard of them.”
• Three-time league champion Charlie, owner of the Chumguzzlers, could not be reached for comment due to a pending arrest for trafficking in Guatemalan knock-off penial implants however a statement was released through his law firm of Galgay, Galgay & Galgay which read, “Honestly I thought the owner of the Scoregasms was dead. I don’t give a shit about this trade.”
• Embattled owner and CEO of The Corporation, Paul, heard a trade happened and popped a blood vessel in his head during a fit of rage, then immediately penned a letter to the commissioner protesting the trade. Once the letter was sent he then decided to find out which players had been traded to which teams and released the following statement, “NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!!!”
• Owner of league doormat Focus on the Abs replied with, “Yeah I wanted to make a trade as well but it turns out that every single player on my team is a walking pile of dog shit.”
• The Kicking Ben’s owner Sean had only this brief statement on the matter, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m parent. Like I have time for this nonsense.”
• Finally the ownership of The Horny Immigrants could not be reached at all but we were able to obtain comment from his Taiwanese transvestite concubine who really summed up the entire situation adequately when she said, “Oh Mistel Crancy he so Holny! Me rove him rong time!”

Indeed sir, er, madame. Indeed.

I. Football Thoughts

I was thinking during the Pats- Ravens game during a ticky-tacky pass interference call that the league rarely invokes the uncatchable ball rule when it comes to pass interference. I mean the ball usually has to be in the stands before they’ll drop a PI call and say the receiver wasn’t going to catch it anyway. That got me thinking, what if the officials had the leeway to asses whether or not the receiver was actually good enough to make the catch at all. It would be tremendous, and might lead to something like this:

II. Random Thoughts

This idea actually comes from Jay, we were talking the other night and he raised an interesting question. At what point in our lives do we stop putting on loungewear when we come home? Ever since I got out of college I usually come home from work and change into some type of trackpants/sweats t/shirt / sweatshirt combo for the evening- assuming I’m not going out again. But when do we stop? Jay’s dad comes home and puts on khakis, the same with my dad- maybe jeans, but always with a collared shirt tucked in. It seems their generation doesn’t use what we consider loungewear for anything other than excercise or yard work. So is it a purely generational thing? Or at some point when I’m older will I have a pair of evening khakis and casual button-down shirts to put on? Or will I stick with the usual loungewear until I’m ready for this:

As Jay and I were discussing the loungewear issue another item came up- mid week drinking. While in most cases there is a steady decline in the number of midweek drinks it is interesting the number of people who are with you when you drink mid-week also decreases. Then once you’re married, have a wife and kids, more responsibility at work, then there might be a slight increase in the numbers. Anyway- this is what I came up with:

Obviously, not everyone is going to follow this model, Clancy for instance would probably be an outlier:

III. Recap

We had an unprecedented (for this year) four out of five games up for grabs going into Monday Night Poonball. The on game that had already been decided featured a stomping of the Scoregasms by perennial league powerhouse the Chumguzzlers. At this rate both the Chumguzzlers and Cooter’s Grundel (who gave Brett a solid Pooning Monday night thanks to CJ) are poised for early clinching of playoff spots. Once they have their spot locked up the Chumguzzlers will be going back to what they do best, playing fundamentally sound football and serving their community. Wait no, that doesn’t sounds right. Let me try that again. … go back to what they do best: Boozing and Whoring. There we go.

Focus on the Abs managed to avoid an 0-6 start by taking down the Vicks Vapor Rub Gin and Juicers while The Kicking Bens kicked the asses of New York Bailout by 25 points- mainly on the strength of Tennessee’s Defense leading to the second Monday Night Poonball victory for Sean. Finally, after showing signs of life for the first time all season The Corporation was trounced by the Horny Immigrants. We recently obtained a photo of The Corporation’s payables manager:

To be fair you’d feel the same way to if you were dodging bill collectors all day.

IV. Preview / Stats

NY Bailout goes against the Corporation in a game you know Paul doesn’t want to lose. Game of the week is probably The Chum Guzzlers and The Kicking Bens while Andrew tries to avoid consecutive losses .

Director of statistics for the D's that T news team Jay was late with the analysis this week but after threatening to outsource his job to bangalore for 10 cents on the dollar lit a fire under his ass.

V. This Week in Horatio Cain

New section. Pretty self explanatory

VI. Readership Test

After successfully confirming that Kurt does (as far as you know) not have Feline AIDS I decided to make a weekly proclamation which until refuted by the party we will hold true indefinitely. This weeks proclamation:

Jared's real name is not the one we know him by. His real name is Stanley Chunkleton and he's actually 59 years old but has that weird disease where he perpetually looks like a small child like that girl in the horror movie with the chick from the departed, the ending of which I just gave away... not the departed, the horror movie. Anyway, he changed his name in 1987 after he stabbed a popular television clown to death in a stripmall.

So, Jared, or should I say Stanley, has until next friday to refute this claim or we can assume that it is 100% true.

VII. Conn Memory

I warned you animals this was going to happen. Give me a topic to discuss or you will continue to look at this every week:

So thats it- hopefully this one made up for the short one last time. Oh what am I talking about, I don't really give a shit what you think. But definitely, until next time, go fuck yourselves.

Monday Night Poonball! - Season 2 - Week 6

Are you ready for some Poonball?

Because if you don't get your shit together Hank Williams Jr. is going to stick the Dorothy on Gloria Estefan's body and marry this abomination.

So I'll ask again:

Are you ready for some fucking Poonball? Because 4 out of 5 games are still in flux and two of them are seperated by less then 2 points.

Chumguzzlers v Multiple Scoregasms:

Oh its all over. You can't bring that weak shit into Chumguzzler stadium. Sure- 65 points may be enough to roll over pussy teams like The Corporation and Focus On The Abs, but you need to bring your A-Game when you play a top flight team like the Chumguzzlers. At one point during the broadcast of the game one of the announcers said, "The Scoregasms are playing like a bunch of worthless cunts out there." Cunts, Wyley. He said the word 'cunts' on national TV. For shame.

Chance of poonball? 0%

Cooter's Grundel v. Schaub on my Knob:

Its a close one! The Rothwhich has just over a 1 point lead on the Grundly gang but both teams have players in action this evening. Brett has Nate Washington at WR while Kurt has Chris Johnson at RB. Seemingly this would be a slam dunk poonathon for Kurt but Washington has outscored Johnson twice already this season (week 2, and week 4). That said, I think CJ is going to run train on the Jags D tonight so get ready to cry yourself to sleep in your white t-shirt and blue track shorts you big goofy bastard.

Chance of poonball? 86%

Horny Imigrants v. The Corporation:

Some lively trash-talk going on this week between Clancy and Paul but unfortunately the matchup failed to live up to the hype. Paul still has Mike Williams left but he would have to more than triple his best week of the year (week 1) and hope that Clancy's kicker fails to um.. kick.

Chance of poonball? 2.29%

NY Bailout v. The Kicking Ben's:

Holy shit! It's a 0.17 point game. Doubtful that it will finish that close because Labrie still has Kenny Britt and the Tenn. team defense. Stranger things have happened, a couple fumbles and a blowout by the Jags could save the Bailout but... yeah, I smell some poonball.

Chance of poonball? 98.32%

Focus on the Abs v. Gin and Juicers:

Could this be the week Jay finally gets off the Schnide? He has a 17 point lead going into tonight with Andrew still packing pocket rocket Mojo Drew. 17 points is a tall order for the dimunitive rusher who's best performane to date is 19 points, but his efforts in the other four weeks average out at just under 5 points per game. Can the Hot Garbage Water Gin and Juicers keep the hapless Focus on the Abs winless for another week? Remains to be scene but as it happens I'm up in my other league by 17 points and am facing Mojo as well so I'll be rooting against Andrew this week... more than I usually do.

Chance of poonball? 39.16%

See you Friday. Don't forget to go fuckyourselves!

The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 5

Sorry fellas its going to be a short one this week. I know, I know, my readership is in the high single digits but sometimes even the most benevolent of rulers must disappoint the masses. The good news is that the D’s that T now features 100% more David Caruso:

I. Football Thoughts
So I guess I’m ready to discuss Randy Moss situation. He’ll be missed, but somehow I think the pats might pull out a win today. I’ll share this email I sent to Clancy and Paul when I finally was able to put coherent words together on the subject:

1. I fucking loved having Moss here. It was the type of trade that only happens for the Pats when I play Madden. We brought in a first ballot hall of fame player, still in his prime, as an offensive weapon. That has never happened to this team before in my lifetime and probably won't happen again unless someone else gets comically, even historically, underrated and we can get him for a mid-round pick. He was fun as shit to watch and we got to see him, along with Brady break some pretty significant NFL records in 2007. I think he was underrated as a downfield blocker on Wes Welkers bubble screens etc and the knock about him taking plays off was mostly BS.

2. The Patriots play to win superbowls. I know every team says that, but aside from the Colts, Pats, Steelers, and maybe some teams in the NFC East, not everyone can truly follow through on that motto. Lets be honest, the Bucs and Chiefs are happy with a playoff appearance, the Falcons and Broncos would settle for a playoff win. The Jaguars are shooting for 39% attendance. The Pats don't have these esoteric goals. We weren't winning a superbowl with Moss, and we probably won't win one without him. Sure- anything can happen, we can get hot in December as the D matures and make a run- but realistically this isn't our year. Something happened behind the scenes and we almost certainly will never know exactly- but a third round pick next year can be turned into a 2nd in 2012. We're gearing up for something- something big.

3. The Saints last year, and to an extent the Colts in '06, proved you can win a Superbowl with a decent defense and a great offense. I think they're the exception to the rule when you look at past superbowl winners and Belicek knows this. Sure- we can try to just outscore everyone but I don't think they WANT to win that way. Right when everyone is building their defenses to stop the spread offense, we're turning ours into a two tight-end powerhouse. Meanwhile, our defense is young and FAST. McCourty is going to be as close to a shut-down corner as we've had since Ty Law, Chung / Merriweather has potential to be a pro-bowl tandem, and I'm not bailing on Butler being a bust just yet. Mayo, Spikes and Guyton make up a good core of inside guys and Wilfork is a top 3 Defensive player in all of football. Cunningham looks like he has potential and Banta-Cain I'm forced to admit is an OK OLB... we're like 2-3 pieces from having a dominant defense (DE, OLB, and Depth). Unloading Moss was a step in this process, and we get more value for him now then we will at the end of the season- and since he's not going to be the difference maker this year then might as well sell high so to speak.

4. We really coulldn't get a 2nd round pick? WTF?

II. Random Thoughts
Given the length of time those Miners were trapped down there- what do you think their policy was on beating off? Was there like a spank-cavern set aside for that kind of activity? Did any of them go gay? At any point did they think they weren’t going to make it and start admitting to shit they didn’t want to take to the grave with them? Like that scene in Almost Famous when the plane is crashing? So many questions to which we’ll never know the answer.

III. Recap
The Corporation is finally off the schnide while Focus on The Abs remain winless. There were some other games but sadly this area is going to get the shaft this week and I’m not going into details.

The “I’m the SGA President, get my title right next time” award for best smack-talk of the week goes to: Look we know who said it, and we know who and why they said to whom they said it, so I won’t go into too many details but “Is it really "swapping" if you are getting peed on in the shower? “

The “Hey Ref! Maybe you have a son that is my age!?!” award for lamest smack-talk of the week goes to: Also goes to Paul for pretending to confuse Pittsburgh receiver Mike Wallace with the old dude from Sixty Minutes. To be fair the resemblance is uncanny:

IV Preview
Jay’s back with some more analysis- I’m not sure how we’re supposed to interpret these trends but I’m pretty sure they indicate I’m going to win my 4^th Superbowl:

V. Conn Memory
I’ve got nothing- I need your help for this part. Don’t need to write anything up just send me a memory and I’ll run with it. Until that happens I will continue to post pictures of our super dance program: