..hang on. I’m getting a late-breaking report from the D’s that T international news desk in Luxemburg. Mother of god. Ladies and Gentleman we have A FUCKING TRADE!! News reports indicate NY Bailout receiver Randy Moss has been traded to the Multiple Scoregasms for running back Ray Rice. Both players have underperformed their draft position to date but our sources inside each organization have told us there was more than just football that played into the decisions.
When reached from comment Moss stated, “Look man, I’m playing for two owners, do you know what its like to have two bosses? We got this one dude, Ryan, he’s always making us leave practice and put on these fucking costumes and we’re all like pretending to be orcs and goblins and some shit while he chases us with his fucking ninja sword. That shit is degrading yo. The other owner, Jared, has one of the complexes, what do you call them? Napoleanic complex or whatever. Always challenging us to fight him in an octagon just because we’re all taller then him. Shit, there’s not enough time in the day, I mean my fucking dick is bigger than this dude. Anyway, pretend football is a business and I’m just happy to move on and get away from these two motherfuckers.”
Rice similarly stated unhappiness with his current ownership, “That asshole Wyley is just neglectful. We get treated worse then Mike Vick’s dogs in this joint. He didn’t start our defense a couple weeks ago because his old lady was yelling at him and making him spend time with her lame friends. Motherfucker needs to grow a pair and remember he’s a man. Oh and the jokes. He has like stacks of joke books but they is all corny and shit. Every team meeting is like open mike night at the laugh factory and we gots to sit here and listen to his unfunny bullshit. But yo, pretend football is like a business or whatever so I’m thankful that I get to move on. Wait, where did I get traded to? The NY Bailout? Aww, fuck that shit man. I might just retire.”
Clearly this trade will shape the landscape of the bottom of the league for weeks to come. All owners were asked to weigh-in on the trade. The following comments were obtained by this news agency:
- *League commissioner and owner of the Gin and Juicers, Andrew, backed the trade saying, “I’m just happy to see active management by both teams. Obviously the trade will have no real bearing on the league since both squads are just god awful.”
- Reigning champion and owner of the Cooter’s Grundel, Kurt noted “There’s a team in the league called the NY Bailout? Never heard of them.”
- Three-time league champion Charlie, owner of the Chumguzzlers, could not be reached for comment due to a pending arrest for trafficking in Guatemalan knock-off penial implants however a statement was released through his law firm of Galgay, Galgay & Galgay which read, “Honestly I thought the owner of the Scoregasms was dead. I don’t give a shit about this trade.”
- Embattled owner and CEO of The Corporation, Paul, heard a trade happened and popped a blood vessel in his head during a fit of rage, then immediately penned a letter to the commissioner protesting the trade. Once the letter was sent he then decided to find out which players had been traded to which teams and released the following statement, “NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!!!”
- Owner of league doormat Focus on the Abs replied with, “Yeah I wanted to make a trade as well but it turns out that every single player on my team is a walking pile of dog shit.”
- The Kicking Ben’s owner Sean had only this brief statement on the matter, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m parent. Like I have time for this nonsense.”
- Finally the ownership of The Horny Immigrants could not be reached at all but we were able to obtain comment from his Taiwanese transvestite concubine who really summed up the entire situation adequately when she said, “Oh Mistel Crancy he so Holny! Me rove him rong time!”
Indeed sir, er, madame. Indeed.
I. Football Thoughts
I was thinking during the Pats- Ravens game during a ticky-tacky pass interference call that the league rarely invokes the uncatchable ball rule when it comes to pass interference. I mean the ball usually has to be in the stands before they’ll drop a PI call and say the receiver wasn’t going to catch it anyway. That got me thinking, what if the officials had the leeway to asses whether or not the receiver was actually good enough to make the catch at all. It would be tremendous, and might lead to something like this:
II. Random Thoughts
This idea actually comes from Jay, we were talking the other night and he raised an interesting question. At what point in our lives do we stop putting on loungewear when we come home? Ever since I got out of college I usually come home from work and change into some type of trackpants/sweats t/shirt / sweatshirt combo for the evening- assuming I’m not going out again. But when do we stop? Jay’s dad comes home and puts on khakis, the same with my dad- maybe jeans, but always with a collared shirt tucked in. It seems their generation doesn’t use what we consider loungewear for anything other than excercise or yard work. So is it a purely generational thing? Or at some point when I’m older will I have a pair of evening khakis and casual button-down shirts to put on? Or will I stick with the usual loungewear until I’m ready for this:
As Jay and I were discussing the loungewear issue another item came up- mid week drinking. While in most cases there is a steady decline in the number of midweek drinks it is interesting the number of people who are with you when you drink mid-week also decreases. Then once you’re married, have a wife and kids, more responsibility at work, then there might be a slight increase in the numbers. Anyway- this is what I came up with:
Obviously, not everyone is going to follow this model, Clancy for instance would probably be an outlier:
III. Recap
We had an unprecedented (for this year) four out of five games up for grabs going into Monday Night Poonball. The on game that had already been decided featured a stomping of the Scoregasms by perennial league powerhouse the Chumguzzlers. At this rate both the Chumguzzlers and Cooter’s Grundel (who gave Brett a solid Pooning Monday night thanks to CJ) are poised for early clinching of playoff spots. Once they have their spot locked up the Chumguzzlers will be going back to what they do best, playing fundamentally sound football and serving their community. Wait no, that doesn’t sounds right. Let me try that again. … go back to what they do best: Boozing and Whoring. There we go.
Focus on the Abs managed to avoid an 0-6 start by taking down the Vicks Vapor Rub Gin and Juicers while The Kicking Bens kicked the asses of New York Bailout by 25 points- mainly on the strength of Tennessee’s Defense leading to the second Monday Night Poonball victory for Sean. Finally, after showing signs of life for the first time all season The Corporation was trounced by the Horny Immigrants. We recently obtained a photo of The Corporation’s payables manager:
To be fair you’d feel the same way to if you were dodging bill collectors all day.
IV. Preview / Stats
NY Bailout goes against the Corporation in a game you know Paul doesn’t want to lose. Game of the week is probably The Chum Guzzlers and The Kicking Bens while Andrew tries to avoid consecutive losses .
Director of statistics for the D's that T news team Jay was late with the analysis this week but after threatening to outsource his job to bangalore for 10 cents on the dollar lit a fire under his ass.
V. This Week in Horatio Cain
New section. Pretty self explanatory
VI. Readership Test
After successfully confirming that Kurt does (as far as you know) not have Feline AIDS I decided to make a weekly proclamation which until refuted by the party we will hold true indefinitely. This weeks proclamation:
Jared's real name is not the one we know him by. His real name is Stanley Chunkleton and he's actually 59 years old but has that weird disease where he perpetually looks like a small child like that girl in the horror movie with the chick from the departed, the ending of which I just gave away... not the departed, the horror movie. Anyway, he changed his name in 1987 after he stabbed a popular television clown to death in a stripmall.
So, Jared, or should I say Stanley, has until next friday to refute this claim or we can assume that it is 100% true.
VII. Conn Memory
I warned you animals this was going to happen. Give me a topic to discuss or you will continue to look at this every week:
So thats it- hopefully this one made up for the short one last time. Oh what am I talking about, I don't really give a shit what you think. But definitely, until next time, go fuck yourselves.
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