Monday Night Poonball- Week 2

Ooof.  Football.  You givith and you taketh away.  I was so excited coming off of last week.  Pats looked dominant, double fantasy wins, still alive in my office elminator and pick'em pools.  And now?

I'm in a glass cage of emotion. Writing poonball just reminds me that  a.  The patriots lost.  b.  Hernandez is hurt (and I benefited from his injury fantasy-wise), and c.  I could get pooned in both my leagues. Oh and I'm already knocked out of my office eliminator pool. Fuck you very much Oakland Raiders.

Anyway.  I present a very bitter and lazy rundown of the pooning opportunities....

The Tasteful Nudes vs. Hot Spicey Beef -  Hey, how come my team always gets listed first?  Because fuck you thats why.  So Dr. TimmyJeff can snatch a victory if Matt Ryan can put up 31 points.  Against whoever the falcons are playing.  I'm too lazy to look that up.  Broncos?  Sure why not.  Chance of pooning = 8.94%

Gin and Juicers vs. Empty the Tank  Andrew needs Eric Decker +9 to outlast Jay and Denver's defense.  Good work on that Stephen Hill pickup Jay.  That 0 points sure came in handy.  Chance of pooning = 15.48%

The corporation vs clancy  Atlanta reciver battle!  10 point game if Julio Jones can erase the deficit and hold off Rowdy Roddy White and some kicker who plays for one of the two teams involved then Paul might win.  Chance of pooning = 21.99%

Wyley vs. Brett Its all over but the sharting.  Way to go autodraft!  Chance of pooning = 0.00%  

NY Bailout vs. Regronklusoijfdsa;lkjds spkers (sorry sean your name is too hard to type):  Holy shit Biz has Michael Turner but Sean has 93 pts and a 24 pt lead and his QB hasn't even played yet.  He has a chance to really take a dump on Biz... who's probably into that kind of thing otherwise.   Then again, Peyton Manning could come down with another case of the neck-aids (that's a real thing right Timmy?) and maybe Biz pulls this off.  Chance of pooning = 0.943%

Cooters Grundel v. Houston Express  Both teams have several uninteresting players left to go.  I think some of them are running backs, maybe a receiver and maybe a concession stand popcorn vendor thrown into the mix.  Whatever.  Chance of pooning = 50%

So yeah, I mailed this one in.  So did Brady, Josh McDaniels, the Patriots interior line and the replacement refs.   I have a preemptive response for any objections:

Season 3 Vo. I

Ah, a new season dawns on us and as the air begins to chill, the leaves begin to turn….

Fuck it.  I can’t be so wordy if I’m going to actually keep this thing going past week 10 this year.  Football is back dickstains!

 

First, for our new-comer, let me explain what this is.  In order to keep the general shit-talking going throughout the season, and as a way for me to keep writing post-college, I've tried to keep a weekly fantasy football newsletter / blog going.  Usually life / work gets in the way by week 8 or so, and I abandon the effort but while it lasts I'd like to think people enjoy it.

The name comes from an incident in college involving two of our friends that I'm generally not allowed to discuss.  What I can tell you is that it involves the time that [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] took [REDACTED] back to [REDACTED]'s room and proceeded to have a [REDACTED].  It's my understanding that at some point [REDACTED] was [REDACTED] her [REDACTED] she was [REDACTED] [REDACTED]'s [REDACTED].  I have a theory, that at some point their respective [REDACTED]s must have touched.  They both say no, although [REDACTED] loves talking about it while [REDACTED] now claims it never happened. 

Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway.   I don't know about you guys but after week 1 my football boner is best described thusly:

 It's a whole new look to the league this year.  With the addition of the esteemed Dr. TimmyJeff, commissioner Andrew was forced to cut his wretched two-headed owner abomination, Jared/Ryan, into two fully functional fantasy football teams.   

I picture Andrew in a laboratory post-operation as the now half-functioning Ryan begs him to put him out of his misery Alien 4 style. 

We’ll see how long this mad experiment lasts but the over / under on Ryan fielding a starting line-up without a quarterback, kicker, or defense is at week four. We also have divisions this year which is an exciting development.    I like that we have the Massholes vs. America format because I imagine the battle-lines for the next US Civil war will be drawn more or less on the same borders.

So the draft was exciting.  Kind of.  Honestly I miss the live version.  I love that Wyley has been insisting on drafting using Yahoo for like 5 years and when we finally do he’s the only dipshit who forgets to test his settings to make sure it will work.  

The sad irony is that I have it on good authority that the firewall was only installed because of Wyley’s penchant for obscure turn-of-the-century fetish pornography.  Matachuk the sad Eskimo has returned to the D’s that T for the third year and he remains saddened by your depravity.

Other highlights of the draft included Paul making a big show of asking Laura to get him a beer, but there is no way a Welsley grad would ever do this for her fiancé so she almost certainly told him to go fuck himself and he ended up getting it himself.  This is why we should be drafting live.  Finally, anyone who stuck around  until the end of the draft was treated to this:

I can’t provide context for this video, other than it is awesome and if I was an NFL receiver this would be my endzone celebration EVERY TIME.

Ok- that's all I have time for this week.  Enjoy the games, and as always go fuck yourselves.  

Monday Night Poonball- Week 1

 

Damn it 7pm start time.  Two games on the docket for tonight so plenty of options for pooning.  In case anyone has forgotten, we are of course referring to:

Monday Night Poonball  (mndnt pnbôl)

n.

An American Football contest that results in a Fantasy Football Team, that was at a deficit prior to Monday night, winning a weekly match-up.

Paul thought he was going to win his weekly fantasy match-up but thanks to Monday Night Poonball he suffered an embarrassing loss and fell asleep in the bathroom while masturbating with his own tears. 

Now that we have that cleared up... onto the games!

The Tasteful Nudes v. Wyley's Pop-Culture Reference from 2010:  Wyley needs 45 combined points from Darious Heywar-Bey, Seabass Janikowski, and Philip Rivers.  Seems like a tall order for Rivers, but I'm confident his receivers will drop at least 30 pts worth of passes.  Chance of pooning = 29.37%

Andrew v. Paul:  Ah, the annual 'I hope they both lose' game.  As Paul pointed out there's just enough chance for Jermain Gresham to make up the difference in the first game and maybe not have that difference erased in the second game (which would be the first ever double-pooning) to keep him awake for both.  If the Football Gods are merciful, and they are generally not, Gresham won't score enough to tempt Andrew or Paul into watching the crapfest that is going to be San Diego v. Oakland.  Chance of pooning = 14.37%

Empty the Tank v. Cooters Grundel:  Kurt needs 25 points from Run DMC and Torrey Smith.  Yahoo projects they'll score a combined 18... so they'll either score 8 or 58.  Chance of pooning = 50.58%

Penis emoticon v. NY Bailout:  Over- unless the stat corrections flip a decision, for the first time ever in our league.  I'm not even sure what to call that- but it's definitely worse than a pooning.  Maybe a horse-fucking?  Like, man, I thought I won my game but I got horsefucked by a stat correction.  Chance of pooning = 0% , Chance of Horsefucking = 0.00001%

Power Bottoms v. Houston Express:  Clance needs 16 from Ray Rice and the Law Firm.  I think there's a good probability he gets it from Rice entirely.  Chance of pooning = 89.43% 

Hot Spicy Beef v. Labrie:  Sean is going to need a solid 21 from AJ Green to make the come-back, net of whatever Anquan Boldin scores.  Sadly Green will be going up against Baltimore's D on the road so.... yeah probably not.  Chance of pooning = 6.43%

 

Week 12

Man- I laid out a pretty good plan for this year of not sticking to a template and being able to just post more random stuff.  But then I backed myself into a template again and things got busy at work so writing a fantasy football newsletter just kept getting pushed further down my priority list.  Anyway- I’m completely off the format now so I’m going to move forward with just random twice-weekly hits. 

We’re creeping up on the playoffs so I could go through the different scenarios of who needs to do what to get in OR I could rank each of us based on how long we’d survive a Zombie apocalypse.  Besides, Clancy’s already in, everyone else is in the middle of the pack, and as usual Ryan/Biz, Jay and Wylie will be fighting for the last spot.  Let’s talk zombies!

Monday Night Poonball- Week 7

Monday Night Poonball- Week 4

  

 

Hit it Hank!

Week 3

Recap
This is coming out so late at this point it's not even worth it.  Instead of a recap I'll introduce a new segment: