Week 12

Man- I laid out a pretty good plan for this year of not sticking to a template and being able to just post more random stuff.  But then I backed myself into a template again and things got busy at work so writing a fantasy football newsletter just kept getting pushed further down my priority list.  Anyway- I’m completely off the format now so I’m going to move forward with just random twice-weekly hits. 

We’re creeping up on the playoffs so I could go through the different scenarios of who needs to do what to get in OR I could rank each of us based on how long we’d survive a Zombie apocalypse.  Besides, Clancy’s already in, everyone else is in the middle of the pack, and as usual Ryan/Biz, Jay and Wylie will be fighting for the last spot.  Let’s talk zombies!

The motivation for this list comes from watching The Walking Dead on AMC for the past two years, and by ‘watching’ I mean playing it back on DVR on fast-forward, stopping occasionally, and then skipping entire sections with the 5 minute jump button.  ‘Watching’ an episode takes me about 20 minutes and I only do so because The Walking Dead is the most ridiculous piece of shit television show ever created.  It is riddled with more plot holes than Kurt’s story about that time he went to RPI and the girl had a Derek Jeter poster on her wall….  Seriously, my 4 year-old nephew could point out the gaps in the show’s logic but that’s what makes it hilarious.  You Juxtapose terrible writing and acting with unimaginably terrifying special effects and you get a super entertaining 20 minutes of TV if you know your way around the DVR remote.  Anyway- from first to last to die here are the rankings:

1.  Brett- I’m sorry Rothwhich.  You just move too slowly.  How many times were we waiting on you to go somewhere in college?  And you were just sitting there chatting on instant messenger, talking on the phone, and looking up stocks on your computer?  That’s the exact position I expect you’ll be in when the zombies come for you.  You won’t hear them over that industrial fan, which I assume you still keep going year-round, and you’ll be the first to go down.   And how many times back in college did I say, “Roth, if you don’t learn to get moving when people are ready to go you’ll never survive a zombie attack?”   
Oh, I never said that?  Sucks bro.  Also, your geographical location doesn’t help. The DC area is just so congested and I assume the zombie disease will originate from some hidden lab attached to the Pentagon.

2.  Kurt- Kurt’s a resourceful guy so I expect he’ll do relatively well surviving the initial onslaught of zombies but ultimately those years of schmoozing with low level administrators at Conn College will actually be his downfall.  I picture Kurt lobbying early on to be voted leader of his group of survivors.  Seriously dude, in the early stages you just need to survive - worry about the political landscape of the post zombie apocalyptic world once you’ve made it a few miles from downtown Boston.  Hey Kurt, that lady with diabetes in the motorized wheelchair?  She isn’t going to make it to Super Zombie-Tuesday fella.  But Kurt will be there nonetheless working his charm when the zombies overrun them both.  It’s too bad really; we could have used a guy like Kurt in the new world order.  That said, even though zombies have no organizational structure of which I’m aware I imagine that Kurt will somehow end up getting elected zombie-president.

3.  Wyley- Wyley will be the first non-zombie related fatality of the group.  I’m operating under the assumption that the basic social contracts of our society and the laws that govern us are the only thing keeping Wylie alive as is.  The minute either begins to deteriorate I just don’t like his chances.  I picture Wyley attempting to ingratiate himself with a group of survivors with a joke about Math or a line from Van Wilder then BLAM.  They just waste him on the spot.  The others will look at the guy who did it, and he’ll go, "Seriously, did you want to ride out the zombie apocalypse listening to him?" They’ll just nod in understanding.

4.  Andrew- Oh boy, Creedon.  Your panic picking will be death of you, literally in this case.  I picture you making u-turn after u-turn as you try to figure out the best way to escape the wave of zombies descending upon the metro-west.  By the time you figure out you want to make your way north you’ll be totally boxed in by zombies.  Now, I like your Jetta and used to own one myself but after you bounce over the 4th or 5th zombie carcass eventually you’re going to break an axel or get something jammed in your wheel-well.  It’s only a matter of time after that.  The good news is that once you're a zombie you probably won't be regretting taking Larry Fitzgerald in the second round.     

5.  Clancy- I think Clancy will get by pretty well in the general lawlessness that will ensue once our major public institutions succumb to zombie anarchy.  He’s a go-with-the-flow kind of guy which I think is integral in hooking up with a roving band of survivors.  He also probably swings a pretty mean zombie bashing bat.  His downfall could result from his bad knee- sorry Clance, you tore your ACL on two different occasions while playing lacrosse; a silly game when compared with THE GAME OF RUNNING AWAY FROM ZOMBIES.  If it’s not your knee than I’m thinking one day you’ll happen upon an abandoned taco bell, and think to yourself ‘I bet that meat is still good.’  Your fellow survivors will warn you it’s not worth it but you’ll go exploring anyway.  What you don’t know is that Taco bell meat is the next best thing to human flesh for the undead so as soon as you walk in you’re going to get zombie-mobbed. 

6.  Jared will definitely survive the initial chaos when the zombies overrun New York.  His mistake will be when he decides not to leave the city with Ryan.  Jared, as a former house-fellow, will naturally assume a leadership role amongst the survivors of Manhattan.  However, his napoleon complex will ultimately make him more and more paranoid.  Eventually he’ll adopt the title of Warlord, and will feud with gangs from the other boroughs.  One night, after the group calls his leadership into question he’ll set fire to their own shelter so he can be the one to put it out.  Some folks will grow suspicious and they will remove him from power; to be cast out onto the zombie infested streets. 

7.  Labrie- Sean definitely has geography on his side and seems like an outdoorsy guy.  Maine folk are a hearty people so I like his chances at the outset.  As a Hannaford’s employee who’s worked in logistics he’ll know exactly where the distribution centers are for a major grocery store chain which is an excellent thing to know during the zombie apocalypse.  Sadly, Labrie has a family, and kids will weigh you down in this kind of a situation but I do picture him nobly saving his family and the entire rag-tag group of survivors they took in with some type of heroic sacrifice.  Sucks bro?

8.  Charlie- Look I’ll be first to admit that my cardio endurance could be an issue.  That said, I think about these scenarios ALL the time so I feel like I’ll be the most prepared.  Like Labrie, I know where the distribution centers are for several major retailers.  Distribution centers are THE KEY to surviving the zombie apocalypse.  They’re relatively secure, easy to defend and have all the supplies (in some cases guns and ammo) that you could possibly need.  I think my ultimate downfall will be in an effort to keep spirits up amongst my fellow survivors I’ll create a zombie apocalypse news-letter and will be re-working one last paragraph when a group of zombies rampage through our strong-hold.   I just hope I get that last good line in.  Something like, if anyone asks the zombies what I tasted like, I hope they said RARGHAHAHAHA BRAINS RARALRGHAL.’

9.  Paul- initially I think Paul will have a good chance.  He goes to the gym like all the time you guys.  He’s already accustomed to living on protein shakes in lieu of actual food which should help once sources of fresh food become scarce.  Ultimately though, I think Paul likes his comforts- hot showers, reasonably air conditioned rooms, a nice daily routine.  There’s no time for the gym during the zombie apocalypse Paul.  I picture the band of survivors that he teams up with one morning as they load their tents onto the back of an RV.

 “Where’s Paul?” one guy will ask.

 “Paul… Paul’s not coming man,” will say Paul’s closest friend from the survivors, LeDarius.

Then the group will hear a single gun-shot off in the woods as a flock of birds takes to the sky.   The band will take a moment to reflect and then quietly move on.  He just lost the will to keep fighting.  Things are fucking harsh in the zombie apocalypse.

10.  Ryan- I’d imagine that Ryan thinks about this kind of thing nearly as much, if not more, than I do so I like his overall preparedness level.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a locker labeled ‘open in case of zombie apocalypse’ stashed in the back of his closet.  Plus, how many people do you know who own a real samurai sword?  Ryan’s downfall will ultimately be like that time he took his rear-wheel drive car out in that snow-storm- or the time in college he traded his still-under-lease car for an excite-bike.  He just can’t be practical when it comes to vehicle selection so there will be a perfectly good Honda Pilot on the side of the road and Ryan will opt for a mid-eighties corvette.  I mean, sure it’s fast, but you’re going to wish you had the off-road capability when the zombies barricade the highway. 

11.  Jay- has some good geography on his side being close to the wilderness and Canadian border.  I’m not saying Canada is going to be zombie-free but I expect they’ll have a nicer, more docile, sort of zombies up there.  Jay also has an excellent collection of jackets for every climate and probably knows people in Burlington with tents and other survival gear.  Those hippies in Burlington in general are more likely to operate as a cohesive community in the face of the zombie rampage then say New York or Boston.  Have to say, I like Jay’s chances best of all.

So congrats to Jay- happy thanksgiving everyone!