The D's that T- Season 2 - Week 8

And back to normal.  I’m sure all of you missed the regular D’s that T but I hope that scantily costumed cheerleaders were to most of your liking.  Some of you of course probably did not enjoy them on account of your either rampant or closeted homosexuality.   But I am not here to judge- the D’s that T is a newsletter for all.  So please, crack open an ice cold Schmitt’s Gay and enjoy this week’s edition.

I.  Football Thoughts           

Christ on a bike this whole Randy Moss thing is getting comical.  If he had somehow passed through waivers and signed with Pats for a reasonable deal that would have been the biggest fleecing of one team by another since…. Well since Childs/Biz traded Moss for Ray Rice.  Not only would the Pats have effectively rented Moss to the Vikings for a 3^rd round pick, but they would have gotten them to pay the remainder of his original contract.  I actually think he’ll work out well in Tennessee- and we’ll see if Brady really was under-throwing him all this time since VY can throw the bomb.  I thought KC would have been the best fit from a pure football standpoint but either way I’m excited to watch his first game as a Titan.

II.  Random Thoughts

Remember those soap commercials from the 80’s and 90’s where some groggy dude would get out of bed, then just by taking a long whiff from a fresh bar of Irish Spring or what have you, he’d suddenly open his eyes with renewed vigor!  Fuck yeah!  This goddamn soap smells so refreshing that it is literally waking me up! 

 

My question is, why didn’t the FDA get involved?  Soap doesn’t wake you up.  The hot water hitting you wakes you up.  Caffeine wakes you up.  Doing blow of a hooker’s taint Exercising wakes you up.  Soap does not- but imagine if it did- how sweet would that be.  Pull an all-nighter, up late with a crying baby, tossing and turning through the night but all you need to do is hop in the shower and inhale deeply over a bar of CRANK SOAP!   Ok… fuck.  It exists already.  I swear when I wrote this the idea was original but I went online to look for images of someone waking up from a bar soap I found this:

 

Well- I’m sure it doesn’t work.  But lets invent one that does.  Oh and fun fact- Kurt doesn't shower in the morning, he showers at night.... after girls pee on him.

III.  Recap

The Chumguzzlers were positively handled for a second week in a row, this time by league powerhouse Cooter’s Grundel.  The Corporation managed to upstage current points leader The Kicking Bens to keep themselves from falling to 1-7.  Speaking of 1-7, Focus on the Abs lost another tight one to the Multiple Scoregasms and will need some type of miracle to climb out of the basement at this point.  Schaub on My Knaub beat up on the Horny Immigrants while the tepid water Gin and Juicers took down the NY Bailout who scored a paltry 50 points on their way to securing their spot at the bottom of the total points board. 

IV.  Preview

No stats this week from Jay- possibly because the numbers no longer support the fact that his team doesn’t suck.

V.  This Week in Horatio Cain

Horatio is taking another week off- for some reason I can't do the word bubbles on my mac so I'll make sure I do it at work next week.  As a consolation prize, enjoy this picture of new Schaub on My Knaub member Lagarrete Blount punching out some mouthy player on Boise State last year.

VI.  Readership Test

Did you know that Sean was not born to his mother the way most babies are?  He was actually hatched from a rare dinosaur egg.  True story- or at least it will remain so unless he refutes this fact via email by next Friday.

  

VII.  Conn Memory           

Sorry to disappoint some of you but there won’t be any pictures of male dancers since we actually have a story for this week.  The recent controversy surrounding Kevin Garnette’s “Cancer Patient” comment to Charlie Villanueva reminded Paul of another basketball story from our Sophomore year.  Let me set the scene as best I can remember.  There was heavy drinking early in the evening- possibly even at Harris followed by a road trip up to hated Trinity for an away basketball game (NESCAC Tourney maybe?).  As a revenge for some Trinity fans shannigans early in the year there was a plan to release mice into their library- shockingly a handful of drunk college dudes rolling into a pet store the minute before they close and asking for 100 mice seemed slightly suspicious to the employee working that night.  Suffice to say no mice were to be had and now we’re bombing up route 11 en route to the game.  I remember being in Trevors car with Timmy and a couple of others, passing out busch lights from the trunk as Trev smoke’s a bowl while driving.  Prompting someone to say, “Hey, this is like an afterschool special!”

 

So the cars all surprisingly arrive safely and now we’re in the stands for the game.  Conn is doing well- and Trinity, if anyone remembers, featured a player with a red swath of skin discoloration running down his face and onto his arms.  We’re all pretty sauced at this point, and Conn seems to be pulling ahead (no doubt thanks to our rowdy arrival).  We’re shouting abuse at the opposing players but so far nothing too outlandish has been said.  Kurt was about to change that.   The kid with the skin disorder pulls down a rebound or something, and during the transition Kurt gets up and yells, “HEY!  NICE SUNBURN!”  Silence.  A line was crossed.  But Conn powered on despite the hush that had fallen over the crowd but soon felt their lead slipping away.  During one of the time-outs some gymnast on trinity did a bunch of front handsprings to get their crowd psyched up.  Kurt followed suit by doing three somersaults in front of our crowd then followed with a dismissive waking hand motion which promptly got him booted from the game.  Our leader, our fire, had been tossed out and with Kurt so went the heart and soul of the Camel fanbase.  Conn’s lead vanished and they were blown out in the last two minutes of the game.  A team that had been to the final four of the NCAA DIII tournament not two years prior was now bounced in the first round of their conference tourney and IT WAS ALL KURT’S FAULT. 

See you Friday... go fuck yourselves.